Can We Talk? Parenting can be rough.
Seems like the past few weeks, months, perhaps years have been hard. Like crazy hard. I’ve been dealing with this reality privately because I was convinced that surely–this had to be a ME problem. I am constantly trying to figure out what I am doing wrong…why don’t I have a handle on the situation? Why aren’t my tactics both invented and/or learned…working?
I mentioned a few weeks ago that I now am in the very exclusive and intense club called Special Needs Parent. Unfortunately there is a lot of other titles that come along with this:
- Always frustrated parent
- Tired AF Parent
- ALWAYS ON CALL PARENT
- Frustrated beyond belief parent
- always researching parent
- always overwhelmed parent
…and so many more.
My anxiety is higher than ever.
When I had children I knew I had one job and one job only. Make sure they are decent humans. That’s all. Everything else can be worked on. Except it can’t.
My son is having a really, really difficult time in school. Before you even suggest it, no, I am not homeschooling. I know myself, and she is not a homeschooler. The next thing you may think is try a new school–I tried for weeks to get him enrolled in a new school this year. Finding a decent, free, non public school in Brooklyn is just about impossible. (I need to disclose that I find nothing wrong with public schools, I went to public school. That type of large environment would only be detrimental to him.)
His second grade year was atrocious. Before being diagnosed and treated with medication I was was getting a phone call every.single.day to pick him up and/or calm him down. I am not exaggerating when I say everyday. Just finished a post and feeling good? Phone call. Just arrived to the gym across town? Phone call. Trying to take a nap because anxiety had me all the way up all night without a wink of sleep? Phone call.
His new medication is costly. I won’t go into specifics but even the pharmacist did a double take on the price and felt bad taking my credit card for payment. It helps, a little, but lately the same things are starting to happen again.
I’ve spent my money, my mothers money and all the time in the world trying to make this situation better. It can be extremely isolating to have these issues when you go to a playdate and see other “normal” kids existing in glee and innocent wonder.
I’ve cried so many tears.
The support from my very close family, and very close friends has been really helpful. It has. However at the end of the day I am his mother. I am the one that has to face the offended parent. I am the one that has to receive the daily phone calls. Calm the child when there is no calm inside of me. Wager whether or not he can handle attending an event. When I am away, or networking at an event–I’m the one, in the corner, trying to calm my child down from miles away.
I’m tired. From my bones.
Hitting wall after wall…is painful. Knowing that your child, the one that YOU are responsible for is causing all of this havoc and you literally have no idea why (most days HE has no idea why) is extremely exhausting. My entrepreneur dreams have come to halt. The blog keeps me going by the grace of God but my full time job has become caring for him, every minute and every hour.
I want nothing more than to see him win. He is such an intelligent, caring and incredibly thoughtful little boy. He wants good for every single person he meets. Unfortunately his impulses and reactions to situations can be harsh. It becomes a very difficult situation. Impossible even.
I try hard every single day.
Everyday. Some days there are so many tears, some days there are so many laughs. Every single day I try. And that is really all I can do.