Can We Talk? Parenting can be rough.
Seems like the past few weeks, months, perhaps years have been hard. Like crazy hard. I’ve been dealing with this reality privately because I was convinced that surely–this had to be a ME problem. I am constantly trying to figure out what I am doing wrong…why don’t I have a handle on the situation? Why aren’t my tactics both invented and/or learned…working?
I mentioned a few weeks ago that I now am in the very exclusive and intense club called Special Needs Parent. Unfortunately there is a lot of other titles that come along with this:
- Always frustrated parent
- Tired AF Parent
- ALWAYS ON CALL PARENT
- Frustrated beyond belief parent
- always researching parent
- always overwhelmed parent
…and so many more.
My anxiety is higher than ever.
When I had children I knew I had one job and one job only. Make sure they are decent humans. That’s all. Everything else can be worked on. Except it can’t.
My son is having a really, really difficult time in school. Before you even suggest it, no, I am not homeschooling. I know myself, and she is not a homeschooler. The next thing you may think is try a new school–I tried for weeks to get him enrolled in a new school this year. Finding a decent, free, non public school in Brooklyn is just about impossible. (I need to disclose that I find nothing wrong with public schools, I went to public school. That type of large environment would only be detrimental to him.)
His second grade year was atrocious. Before being diagnosed and treated with medication I was was getting a phone call every.single.day to pick him up and/or calm him down. I am not exaggerating when I say everyday. Just finished a post and feeling good? Phone call. Just arrived to the gym across town? Phone call. Trying to take a nap because anxiety had me all the way up all night without a wink of sleep? Phone call.
His new medication is costly. I won’t go into specifics but even the pharmacist did a double take on the price and felt bad taking my credit card for payment. It helps, a little, but lately the same things are starting to happen again.
I’ve spent my money, my mothers money and all the time in the world trying to make this situation better. It can be extremely isolating to have these issues when you go to a playdate and see other “normal” kids existing in glee and innocent wonder.
I’ve cried so many tears.
The support from my very close family, and very close friends has been really helpful. It has. However at the end of the day I am his mother. I am the one that has to face the offended parent. I am the one that has to receive the daily phone calls. Calm the child when there is no calm inside of me. Wager whether or not he can handle attending an event. When I am away, or networking at an event–I’m the one, in the corner, trying to calm my child down from miles away.
I’m tired. From my bones.
Hitting wall after wall…is painful. Knowing that your child, the one that YOU are responsible for is causing all of this havoc and you literally have no idea why (most days HE has no idea why) is extremely exhausting. My entrepreneur dreams have come to halt. The blog keeps me going by the grace of God but my full time job has become caring for him, every minute and every hour.
I want nothing more than to see him win. He is such an intelligent, caring and incredibly thoughtful little boy. He wants good for every single person he meets. Unfortunately his impulses and reactions to situations can be harsh. It becomes a very difficult situation. Impossible even.
I try hard every single day.
Everyday. Some days there are so many tears, some days there are so many laughs. Every single day I try. And that is really all I can do.
Hi! I’m Nellie. I am a busy mama of three, wife to my high school sweetheart who loves to cook, workout and stay organized! I love to share helpful printables, the best recipes and fitness tips for the modern mom. I strongly believe that every mom can feed their family well, take proper care of themselves and have fun along the way! Read my story.
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Saturday 23rd of September 2017
It is definitely the most challenging job I have ever volunteered for. Sending you hugs. We have just begun this journey with my boy child and realize I could be writing a post like this in the future. Thank you for sharing because you are truly not the only one. ?
Saturday 23rd of September 2017
I have a son who does not have a diagnosis but who is very intense. When he was in grade school our entire family spent literally HOURS every single night sobbing, fighting, yelling, my son throwing things, breaking (so many) things, running out of the house -- just trying to get 15 minutes of homework done. I felt like every interaction he and I had was negative. I felt embarrassed by his behavior and guilty for being embarrassed by my son. I wondered what I was doing wrong. At the time a cousin of mine helped so much by telling me this: Your biggest job is just to love him, and make sure he knows you love him. I tried -- but most often did not succeed -- to have three positive things come out of my mouth for every one negative thing. Another thing that helped tremendously, and still helps, is my faith in God -- "You will keep her in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because she trusts in You." ~Isaiah 26:3 Today my son is 17, a senior in high school, has a job and good friends. In these days of perfect-parent-and-perfect-kid posts all over the internet, I am proud of you for your courageous honesty. You will get through this and so will your son and your whole family. Slow and steady progress sometimes doesn't *feel* like progress but when you look back you will see it. Way to go, Mom. You are awesome and so is your son.
Friday 22nd of September 2017
Oh I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I tell you that I struggle with the whole parenting thing on many days without the additional challenges you're facing so I feel for you. You are doing the best that you can and that is amazing. It may not seem like it right now, but things will come together.
Friday 22nd of September 2017
Prayers for you and your son. It sounds like a very difficult situation for you guys. I don't have any special needs here and I'm barely holding my s**t together! Hugs to you and thanks for sharing.
Thursday 21st of September 2017
I don't want to pretend I understand because this is your story. I do want to commend you Mama doing and being the best you can be and putting out there for other Mamas to see "It's not just me," is welcomed in this "perfect mom/kid" world. Thank you